it was about 4.5 years ago i was at home and started not feeling well, being that i am not a fan of going to the Dr's i just thought i could wait it out.. that is until my grandpa came to my house and i was in the fetal position and couldn't get up.. even then i just told him that i would be fine i just wanted to sleep..well he wasn't having it. He called rob and made him take me in. Long story short a week later i had had 4ct scans surgery to remove the pre cancer cells on my ovaries and was leaving the hospital with shots that i had to give myself in my stomach due to the blood clots, this was the beginning of a long road that has been absolutely the most difficult thing that i have ever been through...
Although it was difficult i have to say the part i do miss is going to the coumadin clinic..this was because i had a blood clot and coumadin is a blood thinner..well ever old person is on this medication and i just happen to love old people!!! they have a clinic because you have to go in every week to check your levels then they would adjust the medication as needed..well i miss talking to all my old friends every week!
After my last surgery i had to have a full hysterectomy which you think that i would be happy about and i was until menopause hit the moment i woke up from surgery. The past year i have never felt more old. that is really the only way that i cant describe it. i find myself so sad because i have to force myself to get up and play with my kids. My poor kids i keep thinking to myself they deserve a mom that has the energy to play with them. i go to Dr's and they just prescribe me medication that doesn't help. is this how i am going to have feel for the rest of my life??? My babies deserve so much more than this!! i feel like my memory is going. i cant even remember things that happend the day before. and i feel like i have no place to turn..
i called cami and asked her for Dr. Bretts number. and make and appt...she told me to keep and open mind and just let him work his magic! I did just that. i got in my car after his appt and just cried all the way home, some tears of sadness from all that i have been through and not been able to let go of, and also tears of joy that there is going to be a day that i will feel like myself again. i know this sounds like i am crazy and it is crazy that a person can loose themselves but this is the joy of life. to be able to work through life's up's and down's, and also learning more about myself and who i am in the process.
Well i get home and sit down at the table and the tears are flowing. i say to rob that i am so happy and thankful for the way i feel tonight and that i cant wait to get myself healthy again. My sweet little Jaren comes up to me with tears in his eyes and says mom i am so happy that you are going to feel better. how much has this affected my kids?? they have been young but there has been times where they weren't sure if i was going to make it. how does that make them feel. how scary for them to have to go through! I am so thankful for wonderful grandparents to be there for them to comfort them and let them know that no matter what things will be ok..i remember jaiden who is 4at the time, telling me that "mom it will be ok if you go to heaven i can live with grandma".
i am so thankful for prayer, and family. this is what has kept us going! i don't like to write about this, i am one that tries to keep things upbeat and positive to keep from making people feel like they need to help me. I want to be the one to help people, but as Dr. Brett pointed out today, Jesus let people help and serve him you have to allow people to help you in order to help others. this is going to be something i have to work on. Again words can not decribe how greatful i am for Dr. Brett! and i know it is going to be a long road but that i will have total body wellness and that will just make me a better mom to the most amazing kids! i can be the mom they deserve again, a healthy mom. I love them more thank anything in this world.
on that note...i am off to sleep i have a feeling it will be a good nights rest, that will be a first! Thank you again Dr. Brett for helping me in this journey!
keep a smile in your heart! and on your face!
